As I arrived for my 6 week postpartum checkup, I was handed a questionnaire for me to fill out in regard to having postpartum depression. I sat down with my baby to fill it out among two other mothers in the same position. I’ll never forget the mama sitting in front of me with her baby held tightly in a ring sling against her chest and her toddler playing by her feet. She somehow decided it would be a good idea to read the question she was filling out the answer to out loud to her little one. “Have you had feelings of hopelessness? Of course not! What a silly question.” She responded in a baby voice to her toddler. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I made the choice right then, to lie.
When I became a mother, like many, I was left to my own devices. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, anxiety ridden and terribly sad. There were days I would beg my husband to stay home from work because I didn’t know how I was going to survive the day. The thoughts in my head scared me. Feelings of not being good enough for my baby, feelings of defeat and despair and every which way I turned the people closest to me were telling me to go against my instincts and when I didn’t comply it was as if I shouldn’t ever share my struggles again. I tried to reach out for help, sharing how tired I was, sharing how much anxiety I had about everything but I was always met with wide eyes and confusion. I felt there was something deeply wrong with me. I was functioning, and my baby was taken care of but I doubted how long I could actually continue. I questioned what I had gotten myself into. There was no escape but I couldn’t share these feelings. Everyone expected me to be glowing of motherhood living in a blissed out state nursing my baby. Of course I did have moments of that but they often left me feeling extraordinarily guilty that I wasn’t that way all the time. I knew I couldn’t continue on this way. I needed help and those within my household were of no service to me. I attempted to call a hotline for postpartum depression but after they asked me my name, my child’s name and address I hung up the phone out of fear they might try and take my baby away if they knew how I was feeling and see me as an unfit mother.
I went on for months this way, bottling up my emotions of inadequacy, rage and guilt until I finally reached out for help in a weekly breastfeeding group I was attending. I ended up breaking down in front of strangers, sharing my struggles. It was then the group leader handed me a card of a postpartum therapist and several women of the group said they struggled with some of the same feelings and had gotten help. For the first time, I felt safe, understood and not alone.
After getting help, I came to realize how common these feelings are in women after having a baby. I also came to realize how broad the spectrum of postpartum mood disorders are and how often they go undetected. Even when our Dr’s and midwives are trained to ask all the right questions, a woman protecting her baby from being taken away will lie convincingly. Maybe some of this fear comes from the history of women being locked up in insane asylums, or their children being taken away. Maybe some of this fear comes from the “super woman” complex most women have now trying to prove they can do it all. No matter where it comes from, we as women need to be the tribe for one another and shine some light on the challenges of motherhood and how common postpartum mood disorders are. Be that extending hand to offer help or a reference to someone that can help without judgment. For some women, talk therapy is all that’s needed, for others its medication. I believe the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another the more light will be shined upon the dark spaces that keep flying under the radar.
Although my postpartum transition was challenging, it is this experience that inspired me to help the transition for new mothers. For this I am grateful. I believe if I had had the proper support for my healing and very vulnerable state I may not have spiraled the way I did. It was in the nurturing and understanding of those I reached out to for help that helped to normalize, stabilize and empower me. Although postpartum mood disorders cannot always be prevented, I know that by properly nurturing and empowering our mothers after birth can transform the way we approach motherhood and in consequence our children. All mothers need this love and respect to empower them for the most challenging job there is, raising human beings. We cannot do it alone. I really does take a village.